Christmas 2012

So, as anyone who has lost a baby, a child, or indeed anyone they really love, Christmas time is often a difficult time.  With other children excited about Christmas its difficult to be sad, but sadness is there as one part of our family is missing.  Christmas will never be what we had pictured most of last year, with a new little baby, a new member of our family to share it with us.  There is nothing that will ever make it right or better.  This is just something we have to accept and try and go on as best we can.

This time last year it was just over a month since Koby had been born.  Silently entering this world.  In the ground instead of my arms.  This time last year I was in a fog so much so that I cant really remember it very well.  I know we bought presents for the kids.  I know my inlaws visited.  I know we had Christmas lunch/afternoon with a bonfire out at my Mums.  I've seen the photos so I know that we did that.  I know we had dinner out at the cemetery.

We had talked about whether this was a strange thing to do.  We wondered if we were strange.  Who did this?  It had certainly never entered my mind that anyone ever had.  But we packed dinner up and had it out with Koby.  We weren't alone.  There were other families out there.  Other families missing loved ones so much they went to where they no longer were to feel close to them.  This wasn't strange at all.  Maybe normal.  And strangely comforting that we weren't alone, eating dinner in a cemetery on Christmas day.

Last Christmas we took the kids to buy a decoration for the tree each, and one for Koby.  We chose a gold butterfly that sat near the top of the tree.  As we stood at the counter with the decorations, just a month after our baby died, the lady was making small talk discussing the kids choices.  She gets to the butterfly in my hand.  She asks, is that one for you?  My step son (then 5) pipes up, no that's for our baby who died.  About 20 people in the shop, lots of chatter.  Instant silence.  I don't remember what she said, I don't really remember paying and leaving.  I just remember that the shop was in silence until we had gone.

This year there was no silence.  We bought a lovely blue butterfly.  I'm wondering if its a tradition I've started, we now have 2 butterflies on the tree.  Maybe we'll end up with a butterfly tree.  Its so pretty up there.  Here they are ... the two butterflies for the two Christmas' we've had without our Koby.

We havent actually talked about it, but I'm thinking we'll have dinner out at the cemetary again.  We'll be having lunch at my Mums again.  But no in laws this year.  And maybe not even my step children.  It will be different.  But the same.  Our baby isnt here.

Life will never be the same.  Nothing will ever be the same.  We love you Koby and wish you were here with us.  You will forever be in our hearts xxx