Baby Loss Awareness Week
October marks the start of Baby Loss Awareness month. Every year I plan a Charity Auction during this week (Baby Loss Awareness Week 9 - 15 October). It is my way of parenting / helping / contributing / giving back .. all of those things. October is always a difficult month if I think too hard about it. The facebook memories are flooding in - as my tummy grew bigger, our 20 week scan and announcing our baby was going to be a boy! It's also my birthday. Which is fine - but I remember the birthday after losing Koby, how scared I was of getting older, and not being able to have another baby. Though I think that first birthday, I just wanted Koby back, rather than another baby.
passes. Memories fade. I was just looking through my photos for a suitable cover photo for this blog and all I could think of was that I wished I could go back in time and take more photos. I wished I could go back and make sure there were photos of Koby and me. There aren't. I didn't want to be in photos. I didn't like how I looked, how I felt, and thought I'd never want to see that. I didn't realise how important they would be.
There are a couple of photos - of our hands together.
Most of the time we carry on in our 'new normal'. Koby is always a part of our lives, he is unchanging, part of us. Sometimes though he is on my mind a lot. I wonder how things would be different. I wish I had photos with my face, so the memories of that time would be clearer. I wish I could bring that raw grief to the fore, so I could feel his essence closer to me. Grief comes in waves, but they are no longer tidal waves, they don't knock me over for days like they used to. My grief sits to my side, pats me on the back sometimes, and is there to remind me of all that I have lost. Now, nearly 7 years on, I can smile thinking about Koby. Something I could never have understood before, how could he make me smile. My baby who died before he even got to smile at me, or me at him. But I can now smile, because of him, for him.
Changing my life ..
I can smile, because he changed my life. Without taking a single breath of our air, he changed the direction of my life. Without Koby, I wouldn't have my amazing business. I wouldn't have found my creativity and my passion. Without Koby, I wouldn't have Devon. Without Koby, I wouldn't be walking the path I am today. I am a different person than I was before. There is a line in the sand - Before Koby - After Koby. Two different people. I can say, I mostly like who I am today. I do find I am more anxious than before, very overprotective of my children. I'm terrified something will happen to them. Before Koby, that kind of thing happened to 'someone else'.
My Mission ..
Is to make this journey a little easier for the 1 in 4 that will also walk this path of living without one or more of their babies. Making keepsakes is just one of the ways I can do this. Charity Fundraising Auctions help, helping other organisations help those in need. But talking - talking about my journey. Talking about Koby. I know after, I felt so alone. Finding others who understood, who had been there, or how were in a similar place to me - it was life saving. It really was. So, if just one person reads my story - and feels a little less alone - then it is all worth it. Nothing can change what has happened, nothing will fix it .. but talking about our babies - really does help x
Posted: Wednesday 10 October 2018