All About Mothers Day (Part 5)

Mothers Day 2021 ..

It's a year like no other for me.  

This year, my Mum is no longer here.  It will be nearly 3 months since she left this Earth.  Since we had to say our final goodbyes.

This year, I face my first Mothers Day without my own Mum.

My Mum ..

was like my anchor.  She was my rock.  Even though the last few years she was declining with Dementia .. even though I was losing her, the fact that she was still here, that I could still see her - hug her.   It was everything.

She was always my rock.  Always there for me.  Her smiles and hugs were the best.  Even then.  Even with Dementia.  The smiles were more precious.  

I can ..

remember every minute of that day.  It was such a shock.  I had not been expecting that phone call.  We got to Mum's 13 minutes after hanging up - much faster than it usually takes me to get there.  

It was too late.  I had always pictured we'd know, that there would be time to prepare.  That I would be there.  She died knowing we had walked in the door.  Knowing we were close.   Protected me to the end.  From that final moment.

I can't ..

imagine never seeing her again.  Never talking to her.  Never hugging her.  How is it possible ?  Of course I know the answer to that.  I just don't want it to be possible.  I miss her so very much.  

I feel adrift in the world with out her here.  I tell myself I'm a grown woman ... with my own family - why am I suddenly adrift.  But, I think with losing a parent, the person that brought you into the world .. it forces you to rediscover yourself a bit.  Your place in the world.  

And so ..

my Mothers Day changes again.  From my oldest arriving on my first ever Mothers Day, to facing Mothers Day as a grieving mother, to having my much wanted rainbow baby finally, then slowly losing my Mum over the years, to finally being without her ... 

You can't love without loss, but you can love after loss.  While Koby and my Mum are no longer here, they'll forever be with me, within me.  I am learning my place in the world again, this time without my Mum.  

Treasure your Mum x 

I for sure treasure mine x