Being a Mum
Being a Mum is HARD.
Hard in ways you can't even imagine if you aren't a Mum. Noone ever told me that every time my child is hurt, I am hurt too. That I would wish I could have the hurt instead of them. They never told me that letting my child be a child would mean I have to live with my heart outside my body ... That it would open me up to feelings I couldn't even imagine.
That my imagination and crazy mind would create all sorts of improbable and impracticle things that just 'might' happen that I now had to worry about. That I would be scared sometimes, to have this little person out of my sight. That I might feel that noone could look after them as I could. That I might wonder how on earth anyone ever makes it to adulthood. And that I might feel and understand my own parents just that much more.
Noone told me, or could ever explain how I could love MORE than one child. I do. My heart is just big enough, for ALL. Each of my children is amazing and special and more than everything to me.
Noone one told me, that I'd be thinking now, of the day they are gone ... out there without me ! And remembering the days when they needed me so much. Yet here I am, loving them more than I had ever thought possible, and at the same time, preparing them to leave me. To live without me.
This last week ..
has been a hard "Mum week". My littlest one has turned 3 in January, and has been home all his life with me. The thought of sending him to Kindy or preschool filled me with dread. How could I let him go? How could I trust someone else with this most precious of beings? Would they understand just how precious he was? What if something happened? If he got upset and I wasn't there for him? We had a visit, then another, and he LOVED it. There was a huge sandpit, and cars, and water, so what more could he need. The dreaded day arrived, and I also had planned the first of my Mosaic classes that day, so I was looking forward to that.
This boy, he's quite an independent wee boy, and quite happy doing his own thing. The visits - he hadn't wanted to leave, so we were quietly optomistic that when the big day came, he'd be happy, and it would just be me that would walk out a bit sad, but very proud of him. However it didn't go that way, and he did NOT want us to leave. Both hubby and I had taken him, and we all stood at the gate with him screaming. I ended up leaving as I was starting to cry, and didn't want to make it worse for him. Hubby stayed and took him to the sandpit etc ... a while later he left, with more crying. Of course, we have seen photos, and he appears to have had a lovely time.. But NO he didn't want to go back.
Mummy always comes back ..
I tell him. I'll always come back. You have fun and play with your new friends, Mummy will do some work, then I'll come back. No sandpit Mummy he says, No sandpit. I don't want my child sad. I don't want him upset. And I don't want him sad and upset without me there to comfort him. Sometimes I wonder if it is crazy, these kids are so young. Why do we feel the need to send them away from us ? But, Mummy always comes back I tell him, and continue to tell him how much fun he will have. The next time he goes, Dad drops him off. They spend 10 minutes, and he happily waves goodbye. I am not sure what has changed, but I am happy that he is happy. As much as we try not to let our children feel our emotions, they do. It is Dad's job now, to do the drop off's. And Mummys to pick up, because Mummy always comes back.
And then ..
My oldest. Had to have planned surgery, surgery that I have put off for 9 years or so, because I am scared, because I've never had an operation, and because the thought of my child having to do this, scared me more than anything. It didn't seem urgent to have, for the worry involved. However, now we have done it, I'm so pleased we have. It will make a difference to his health and well being. It is so hard, to convince a child that this is for the best, that even though it is scarey, it will be ok... Yes, it is my decision for you to have this done, I know you are scared of needles and surgery, but lets just do this, and it will make things easier for you. Do you know what is really hard ? Waiting. Sitting in that room, waiting for the surgery. Harder than the months and months of waiting for the date. Harder than the decision. Waiting knowing your child is nervous and scared, and not really being able to do anything about it, except keep them distracted. Because they are really a bit old, for a cuddle to have that magical effect it does if they are younger. It is really hard when at one point you feel that they are shaking because they are nervous, and all you want to do is give them a huge hug - but there are other pre-teen boys in the room, and you know that its just not cool.
Waiting is so hard. Waiting in the bed where you will have surgery is hard. Waiting to be wheeled into the operating room. Being a Mum and watching your child try to be brave, and make silly jokes, while all the time you can tell their mind is racing ahead to what is about to happen. And then - its time, and all of a sudden you are watching your child be put to sleep. Those terrified eyes that suddenly think they aren't getting enough oxygen, and the struggling. All you want to do is yell - STOP - don't do this! Then they are asleep, and a nurse tells you to give him a kiss, and leads you out of the room.
I tell you, I didn't want to leave that room! It was just to be a 40 minute operation. I sat for a few minutes, then got a hot chocolate. Then moved, went for a walk, and sat some more. They were to ring me once it was over. People came and went. Time passed at a very slow pace. After 2 hours I couldn't bear it any longer - I'd been fighting the urge for an hour or so, do I ask - and have them say the unbearable, or do I continue to wait. That is the awful thing the mind does - mine does anyway - leap to the worst case. Then I'm too scared to ask - because what if ?? I was so worried about this child I had born - and passed onto someone else, people I didn't know, with knives! However, when I asked, he was in recovery, and I still had more waiting until I could see him.
Being a Mum is hard
It was hard for me. Seeing both my children, moved well out of their comfort zones this week. They were both very brave. I was proud of them both. They are both amazing boys, and will be amazing men, that I have created! And that I will set free to this world, and watch proudly as they become all that they can be.
Being a Mum is hard - but it is also the most amazing and rewarding experience this world has to offer.
Posted: Sunday 19 February 2017