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A new year without you

A new year without you

And ... here we are in the New Year.

I was worried it would be all quiet after the Christmas rush ... I dont do quiet. I dont need the time alone in my head when its quiet - but now I've been home 3 days, KJdesigns has been back 'open' for 2 days and I have 13 orders ... so all is safe. Soon I'll be back at work, and thats even safer - even busier.

I have some ideas for some new products, am quite excited really, cant wait to show, but have to wait patiently for supplies to arrive! Hard to be patient sometimes!

Someone said to me that the lethargic feeling people get before the New Year, disappears once it arrives, and you become motivated and inspired and full of energy! Still waiting for that feeling.

My Christmas tree is still up. This is my last official day 'off work' - from my real job... the one that pays me a regular wage - well usually does, they've missed a week over Christmas ...

There is still the weekend of course. Perhaps inspiration and motivation will hit then? We went on a weeks camping holiday. Came home after warm and wet weather to a section suddenly (and somewhat surprisingly for me .. after only a week) overgrown with weeds, how did that happen? Just the sight of them has sucked all my motivation out of me I'm sure.

Perhaps once they are tamed, motivation will return. Somehow they seem too difficult to tackle. Though I should be tackling them, before I go back to work, real work, and before I get too many orders, and before I run out of that luxury of TIME. And the Christmas Tree. It is the 4th now. Definately past time for it to come down. Wonder if anyone else still has their Christmas Tree up, and if its just cos of lack of motivation to pack it up as well?

We are thinking about concreting our driveway. To stop the weeds. Then maybe next year I wont get this unmotivated feeling. That's if it is related to the weeds of course. I have no idea if it will cost $1000 or $10000. Unfortunately I'm not motivated to google who might do concreting of driveways and ring them to talk about it. So the un-motivation continues. And the weeds keep growing.

I have however done all the post-camping washing. I'm quite proud of that. However I cant claim all of it as my 8 year old folded it all for me (as a surprise... YAY best kind of surprise that one. Well 2nd best, after doing all the weeding).

I am hoping, that this will be OUR YEAR. This will entail several things, a couple I'm not at liberty to share! But, hoping, against hope, that it will be. Life is difficult when somethings happened that changes it forever. Something that can never be made right. It changes everything. Your whole outlook. Makes motivation difficult sometimes. It makes it hard to see clearly sometimes. So many what if's and if only's ... When you lose a baby, the world shifts on its axis. And never returns to how it was. For you. For the rest of the world, it remains on that origional axis. You are apart from everyone else... but they don't realise that you are on a different axis. They remember something happened, that made you sad. They don't know you are still sad, or if they notice, they wonder why. Why still sad? They don't mention your baby because it was over a year ago now. Over a year ago on their axis. ONLY a year ago on my axis. My heart is still broken. It will always be broken. This is the axis of the broken hearted.

I dont think the years change anything. From all the people I've spoken to, some 20 or 30 years after losing a baby. The broken heart is still there. I still remember someone telling me of her baby lost, that she never got to meet, or even know the sex, around the time I was born (many decades ago), telling me of her loss. Tears in her eyes. Nearly 40 years after. The most heartbreaking she said to me is - I don't think my husband even remembers. She is on a different axis to the rest of the world. On her own. Her grief buried. Only acknowledged recently when she met someone else a few years ago who had lost a baby who acknowledged it was more difficult than losing a sibling, friend or parent even. 30 something years of thinking her change of axis was in her own head. Feelings not justified. Alone. Now she can talk and acknowledge. But not to her husband.

I think its hard to be motivated when your heart is broken and you know it will be broken forever. Things will never be right, or ok. They will just be what they are. THere is nothing we can do to fix it, we just have to live with it. Accept it.

I'm not sure weeding, concreting and taking the Christmas Tree down is all that important after all.

What I do know is, I wish no-one ever had to be out in their own axis. Thinking they are all alone. They aren't alone. There are a lot of us in an altered state of world axis. I've found others, like me, struggling to find meaning... reason. Its comforting even though you wish they didn't understand, cos it means they are broken heart-ed too, but it is comforting to know you aren't alone on this different planet.

KJdesigns is my link. My link to Koby. My link to being. It came because of my heartbroken-ness. My need to DO SOMETHING. And for that I'll be forever greatful to Koby. His gift to me. And my gift to him. My favourite items are jewellery, or anything made to commemorate a life lost too soon. I've made too many already it seems. But I'm glad I can, glad that the people I make them for can have something special to remember their loved one. It helps. A little. Knowing I can help someone else just a little in their grief.

So I think, that is where my motivation will come from. The weeds, concreting and Christmas Tree will get done in good time. Or not. At the end of the day it doesn't matter.

What does matter is helping people and letting people know they aren't alone. Loving each other. Loving my family and being the best person I can be.

I wish I could do more, and hope that in the future I can. But at the moment I'm still searching for motivation and reason.

I think this will be our year though. 2013. The year for me. Us. Everyone.

Tags: baby loss   grief  

Posted: Friday 4 January 2013

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