Capture Your Grief 2014 Kita
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Capture Your Grief 2014 - In memory of Sophie x
Day 1 : Sunrise
"I carry you in my heart" Both my children have a place in my heart...
I was so unaware, so clueless as to what was ahead of us, so ready and so wanted. "Before" was so different to the "now", before i had only heard of this happening to others, and could not imagine what they were experiencing... This is our scan photo of our perfect girl, everything was fine, happy & healthy... but that was "before"...
Everything that happened before now has made the now what it is today. Now I am a better person though, stronger too. I still feel so heartbroken, I still feel like its so unfair, I still feel sad. But now is different, now I can smile. This is me now, with my rainbow baby Jake. This is now..
Writing to you is something I do often, its a way for me to just let it all out sometimes..not always do I want to talk, but writing is a way i can express everything I'm feeling, everything I'm thinking. When i am writing I often wonder if your hearing my thoughts as I'm writing or if your reading the words as i write them down. Sometimes when I'm writing I wish you could write back, if I could have a pen pal from heaven, you'd be mine.
I've always been a reader & after loosing Sophie I found myself deep in others stories, the baby gone book is one that includes short stories. I found myself reading everything about baby loss... but over this last year i haven't been in depth with my reading as i normally would be, so today I've shared a photo of my children's books, because to me these are healing, reading these books to my child is such a soft, nuturing, loving activity that I absolutely love doing. It is healing to me. It makes my heart feel soft. Alice in wonderland is one book I read to Sophie which I've continued to read to Jake. When I'm reading these children books to Jake I don't feel like its just me and him, I feel like both my children are there, Sophie by my side listening to our story books to. That to me is healing. Watching this tiny person grab onto the pages, the smile on his face all while I know Sophie is right beside him.
I'm truly lost for words, this one is hard for me, because really... I don't really have a "sacred place". I wish i did. Maybe I still can have one... we have Sophies ashes at home so we don't have a visiting place for her, although maybe that's something I should think about. The beach used to be my place I let go of all my thoughts but i don't go there much anymore. I don't have my place, or a place i can reflect on & have time for just me & Sophie. Maybe its time to think about a place her & I can go... xx
Day 8 : Resources
Don't really know what to say about these resources I've had through my grief, except a huge thanks to everyone that has helped me, even if it was just a little bit. Thank you for your kind words & helping me in my process of healing! You have made a difference & you know who you are. these resources have helped move me forward even when i take ten steps back. Without any of you I really don't know if I'd be where I am today. xx
Today I'm sharing a photo of one of the many things I've done in memory of Sophie. This is my prayer flag, I'm still in the process of finishing it but here it is so far. In memory to you my darling angel.
Today I share a photo of my twin sister Tash & I because she has been my biggest support from day 1. shes always there for me, since from my pregnancy with Sophie she was there every step of the way to support me. Through it all. Support... where do I start, without it I don't know where I'd be, I don't know if I'd be as strong as I am. I've gotten so much support from sands, friends, & family. . Big thanks to my bestest Graeme & little man Jake. And huge thanks to my amazing family! Without yous id be lost. There's so much support iv had id be writing a long list of names. Iv had the most amazing support Have I any tips for supporting in this journey?.. > be there > don't forget about them > if you don't know what to say then don't say anything, just a hug will do.> Mention their baby. I like to hear my baby's name. Support... it means alot & goes a long way. Even just a little message, or a hug is that boost of support they may need. This photo was taken at Sophies baby shower 23rd of June 2012.
This is where Sophie is, this is where many special things lay, this is her place. Her & her brother share this cabinet, he has one side and she has this side, in his room. This is her special spot & it means so much more to me because she is with her brother watching over him. This is where Jake and I come to say hi to Sophie, this is where we come to cuddle her bear, this is where we come to see photos of her & to just sit & stare.
Day 12 : Music
I have two favourites I like for Sophie. The first was played at her service. > Angel by Amanda Prez > Gone too soon But any song that mentions angels, or reminds me of heaven is music that makes me think of Sophie.
The air is cold, the wind is strong, the rain comes in surges & the sun is hiding behind the clouds. Every so often getting a day in between where the sun shines brightly & the rain goes away... this is the season that is forever yours, its the season you were born, the season you left for heaven, the season that changed our lives... I think I said this last year to but around your birth day was gusty, stormy weather, it was all Icould see outside of the hospital windows.. then on the day (your day) we had to say goodbye, the final goodbye, the last time I'd actually see you & hold you.. it was that perfect sunny day, that day in between the clouds where the sun shone brightly. - Making this a perfect day for my perfect little angel. Xo "Winter" This is your season..
.... dark, Light, the ugly, the beauty. the bitter, the sweet, the anger & peace...
grief is certainly a rocky path, a confusing emotional one. Its
something I could never properly describe no matter how many times I
re-word things, loosing a child is something I cannot put into words. when I lost Sophie darkness was all that clouded me, to me - I could see no light, no peace...
how could i find happiness at the end of this dark place, it seemed
like there would never be a happy me again... well truly.... I felt so
down, at my lowest point in life, lower then rock bottom. I saw others
go through child loss to and wondered how they got through it, how
they coped, how were they so brave... there was every emotion driving
me into the ground.
I felt so lost and new to it all though, I didn't know what to do.. but as I went through this grief, I learnt things, I lost people,I found people, I had dark dark days, I learnt to have my brighter days and to see the light, the happiness, the sweet. I learnt to live with it, I learnt to walk on even though I was sometimes at my weakest point, even though I am still broken hearted. grief is a mixture of things, sometimes I cannot make sense of it all. Sometimes it gets to much, sometimes it is bearable. Dark and light sides of grief... there are both! no matter how far I've come, or how long its been I still have the dark as well as the light in my world... I will never forget my child that rightfully should be here. As of today I am stronger, still fragile but so much stronger. Today Sophie is my light, she is my sweet, my happiness, my beauty, my peace. She is what gets me through the dark, she is what gets me through this pain, she is the reason I can carry on. ~My angel is my light~
Without sands, without the baby loss community then really, id be lonely, id feel as if I'm the only one... and yes I have felt this & sometimes I go back there but with this community I'm always reassured that they know what I'm going through, they know what its like, they know how this pain feels, with them I know I am not alone. I hate that so many people are in this "club", part of this community... its really sad. No one should have to be in this club, no one should have to experience the loss of their child. But we need this community, we need to stick together, to be there & support each other because in this baby loss community we know what its like to loose a child, we know the pain it leaves on our hearts. We need it. So Thank you to everyone that is part of this community xxx
Day 16 : Retreat
This challenge this year has been harder then the last! I've struggled with the subjects each day brings, these subjects get very challenging, they test me, it can get very emotional. And yes its important to give myself time. It can be hard to see others to in this journey, in so much pain, supporting them to. This sometimes becomes overwhelming & other times its all that clouds my mind. I need time to just breathe... so today I will just share with you two quotes...
Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,sweeps you up into its darkness,where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...Grief will make a new person out of you,if it doesn't kill you in the making.-Stephanie Ericsson
"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she is, but she is not, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."
Talking about my grief is challenging. It took a few days camping out to think about it. And while I've explored where I am in my grief I'm never really ever sure. When I get one place in grief, I'm moving again... if that makes sense... Sometimes I feel Ive come forward in my grief, feeling better & stronger, sometimes I feel like I've stepped backwards. I've come along way though, its been 27 long months & even now I can remember things so clearly like it was yesterday. If I close my eyes I can be right back to the day, right back with her. Exploring my grief is something I can never truly finish because its something that never ends. This subject was hard for me as I don't really know where I am in it, or how I'm feeling. Its still hard though!
This challenge is hard, last year I think I pretty much whizzed by but this year seems harder, I'm not sure weather its time I need or due to the fact I have a 9month old. I suppose more in the future Id like to know where I'm at with grief, where I wanna be & where I'm going... We went camping Friday & yesterday hiking, I found myself following the track looking up ahead trying to follow the others. As I'm walking this track where I have no idea where it leads to it reminded me a bit of my grief journey... who really knows where they are going? Its this path that just keeps going. my grief journey is just like this walk. Stopping at little areas which say this way or that way, finding little features, listening to the stream run beside us, crossing bridges, overcoming burdens in the way, not knowing whats up the path but still continuing on... this is how we explore our grief, we walk on to see whats next, we walk on to cross bridges & pass burdens, we walk on to see whats around the corner. Sometimes it doesn't make sense, sometimes I get lost, sometimes you just have to listen to whats around you. Going for that walk while camping I realised I am where I want to be, to be walking this path with my family right there behind me, having pit stops but continuing on. I'll be forever walking this path.
I've made it my ritual everyday to myself to list three positives in my life -weather it be in my life before or on the day. This is the way I can see the positives on my dark days, this is the way I can move forward to. So I will share with you my three positives for yesterday. 1) Had a great day with family out camping. 2) had cupcakes & cake for breakfast - doesn't happen often! (Lol) 3) spent time with family - walking, tubing, swings, animals, games, laughter. What i am grateful for? .. what am I not grateful for?!.. I'm grateful for all my family - for my partner & son. I'm grateful for the time, the time I had with my daughter, I'm grateful for the memories, the cuddles, the photos, the treasures. I'm grateful for the support, the love, the understanding, the help. I'm grateful for every day, for my rainbow, for my life. Even though this is a hard thing to go through, i am grateful, grateful for it all! xxx
Giving is a way we show we care, a way we show our support, a way we share our love. I gave hugs today, & I often give others my love & support. Givings not about material things, it can be the little things that mean the most. This photo is of Sophie's flowers (Jake & I go pick flowers sometimes to give to Sophie)
Today I took the time to go out, just to leave everything & take in my surrounds & breathe... Sometimes grief can be overwhelming, almost like I'm drowning in it. It can feel pretty complicated to me sometimes. But sometimes a walk, a car ride, a lay down, some time 'away' can be all I need to breathe & catch my breath again. Taking time to just 'space out' is something I need & should make a habit of more... instead I make myself so busy. I get so busy that sometimes I don't find the time for Sophie, to think about her & just breathe & that makes me feel guilty. Sometimes I need that time, just to spare for her & myself, to think, to reflect, to daydream, to breathe.
Its weird how loss of my child changed relationships between me & others. As soon as that happened I lost friends, had people avoid me, & judge me... these are some of peoples reactions. So of course those ruined the friendships. But I also found new friends, made new relationships & now I walk this path with many others. my relationship with my partner has become stronger, we together have come out braver & tougher then ever. My relationship with my family is a closer, tighter bond, more loving & care in these relationships. My relationship with my children is the strongest, the closest to my heart. With Sophie & Jake its the same, I love them a million & more, even though she is in heaven she has taught me love for my children is like no other, shes taught me to be aware, to care for every moment, every treasure. Shes taught me to be close, passionate & sensitive to my relationship with her & Jake.
Today's subject was all about having "you time"...today I was going to do lots of sorting out & cleaning in the house but instead I did absolutely nothing. I blobbed around the house for the day, had myself a shower, made a facial mask, sandwiches for lunch & had a nap. It really feels nice just to do nothing, just to do little things for me, to have my time to myself & just relax for the day. Take the day to treat yourself, relax & have a day to yourself. Xo
(Picture of my avocado facial today)
I don't have a lot to say about today's subject.. My inspiration are my children. Inspiration to me is others that go through this loss to... those that inspire me to give, to be strong, to be brave & to be gentle. The ones that go through this & still support me & listen. The ones that continue to smile even though it hurts. The ones that offer help & give special things to others going through similar loss. Everyone that joins this 'club' inspires me
Today's subject is about forgiving... while I do forgive I never forget. And if I'm being completely honest I do not forgive so easily and with some have not. I struggle to forgive.. little things are easy, everyday life things are simple but when it comes to my children, when it comes to Sophie...if i am hurt by someone, I'm in no rush to forgive. I cannot forgive & forget those that hurt me through my loss, it takes a lot. But I will forgive some, and I do say just some... I will forgive them for they do not understand, those that have hurt me do not truly 'get it'. its better just to leave these people out of my life or just casually avoid them. I'm sorry but I cannot forgive so easily...
Day 25: Mother-Earth
didn't have seeds to plant for this challenge so Jake & I went for a
walk today & picked some clippings of flowers (pink & red).
Once we got home we planted them for Sophie. Hopefully they will grow & maybe we can add some small pebbles around or a rock with her name on it. I
picked pink because its the colour you've always had, soft pink is the
colour I always have for u. And I picked some red too, because red
symbolises love x
I never really thought I had 'Ritual' but I guess in little ways I do... I like to look through Sophie.s things, or talk to her in her special spot. Me & Jake. I like to go for walks with Jake to pick flowers for her too. That.s whats healing for me. I love showing things to Jake or doing things with him in her memory, so he knows of her, he knows. That.s whats healing for me.
I was waiting to get to this subject because I had so much I could say but now that Ive got the subject its almost a blank. How do I express how it is loosing my child, how do I express my feelings. Now when I take myself back to the time we spent with Sophie, I think I would have made changes, there are things I regret. But I cant change them now, its what happened at the time. Everyday I think of her without a doubt. I just wish she was here, its so unfair.. how can god want to take my sweet little girl, why was she more needed there. Far out I cant do this right now, I cant let myself express. Other times I find myself rambling on but today... I'm speechless. I wanted to do this subject better but today I cannot.
The best advice I've been given...
This month has been really hard this year. Last year I found where I was at with my grief, last year I was pregnant with my rainbow, fill of hope. I do think it has changed but i am not always certain about my relationship with grief. I think this year this month has proved to be one of the hardest. Last October I managed through subjects finding it easier, but this challenge really has challenged me. I've really struggled this month, I guess I'm not in such of a good spot in my grief to be really doing it, I am in a different place then last year. Sometimes I step forward but sometimes I fall back, it happens anytime in grief. It has changed, right now I feel more confused, muddled, unfocused. I feel lost in my grief at the moment, doesn't make sense, I need to find myself again. I think things just get messed up at times, I don't think we stay at one point with grief permanently, its always different. Its a constant change, constant emotions, a constant ride.
In Honor of my baby Sophie.. > I intend to make sure my children know of Sophie, I intend to make sure Jake and any future siblings grow up knowing they have an older sister. > I intend to keep talking about her, breaking the silence. to keep speaking her name. > I intend to involve her in ours lives and keep her memory alive. to give, to be kind, appreciate life and supportive of others.